Comments on: Funeral insights

By: One small step… | OrrWhat?

One small step… | OrrWhat? — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 20:09:51 +0000

[...] have said… David on Funeral insightsNik on Funeral insightsDavid on Funeral insightsMrs Gerbil on Funeral insightsJohn on New beginnings [...]

By: David

David — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 09:44:47 +0000

Totally agree with Nik about how grief can affect you. When you get that week when you are in demand and you seem to be doing nothing but funerals, you have to be aware of the pressure that you are under to do the right thing.
So called ‘trite’ phrases can sometimes be the only ones to use.
When I did my Dip Min in Edinburgh the biggest argument my group of three had was whether a funeral was an ‘evangelical opportunity’. One said ‘absolutely’, the other said ‘absolutely not’, and there was me in the middle. It is indeed a privilege to be with people at their most vulnerable. Be aware that just occasionally these sad times are opportunities for family rifts to resurface and can bring an added tension to whoever is conducting the services. The pressure to find a middle ground at such times leaves you shattered, especially if circumstances are particularly tragic.

By: Nik

Nik — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 19:35:36 +0000

Yup, am with David here: I have thus far always taken notes but explained what I was doing on the ‘wanting to make sure I get it right’ tack and so far folks have been absolutely okay with that – they really want ‘the job’ to be done as well as possible [as do I!!!] Also, yes, re. be yourself – it’s much better if you are… Overall, folks want to feel that they have had someone there with them through the experience who as really listened to both said and unsaid stuff. Common Order is also a very useful and valuable resource when preparing – whether you choose to use the formats provided or not, it’s a great jumping off point. And something to be aware of: don’t understimate how carrying the weight of other people’s grief can affect you. It can be quite tiring, so you need to be gentle with yourself as well – and find a way of lifting that grief off your shoulders in some way as well. Re. ‘trite phrases’ – no… it really is an awesome privlege to be with folk at this particular point in their lives… and who will tell you there stories and be very open and vulnerable with you. It’s immense. For me, it made me go ‘ah, yes, that’s why I’m doing this ministry thing’

By: David

David — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 11:25:31 +0000

As one who takes notes… I always explain what I’m doing with any bereaved family and they understand my need to ‘get it right’, something they would expect of me. I explain that I’ve got a series of questions, trigger questions, and they usually get the info I need to have. Some families will actually provide you with background info. This is gold dust !
If there is a story that encapsulates the deceased, tell it, and tell it as it was told to you. My first full funeral involved a man who told everyone, and I mean everyone, the same story of his wartime experience. When I retold it, the whole crem (which was full, and therefore very scary for a first funeral) laughed in recognition.
As for choice of language… Be yourself. You’ll quite quickly get an order of service that you are comfortable with and one that will ‘work’. You’ll find in full time ministry that it is impossible to have a completely unique service for each funeral and that you’ll use and reuse prayers and readings approporiately.
I did say that your ‘bishop’ was remarkable, and his pastoral skills are exceptional. Find your own way of gathering info and retelling it. Listening is, as you’ve identified, vitally important and not all stories are appropriate to retell, but that can be phrased in such a way as to get the essence of the individual retold so that the family know you’ve taken the time to hear their story.

By: Mrs Gerbil

Mrs Gerbil — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 08:31:15 +0000

Re-note taking. When I attended a pre-funeral visit with my assessor she mentioned at the start of the meeting to the bereaved she’d be taking notes.
When I asked her about that she said, in general, as long as people know you’re going to be taking notes (and only after they’ve finished speaking) they accept it.
That’s how the humanist at my father-in-law’s pre-funeral visit did things too. If I was the bereaved and the minister wasn’t taking notes I’d probably pick up on that rather than the opposite.
Just my thoughts from my limited experience.